Rationale
by Ashley2
Summary: Scully ponders her true feelings for Mulder one early morning (takes place during season 6). Please read and review!


Untitled Document

**Rationale**

- beep beep beep -  
- beep beep beep -  
- beep beep be--

Dana Scully's hand reached over from her bed, and drowsily pressed the snooze button on the alarm clock. She sighed heavily, and opened her eyes to the ceiling of her quiet room. Another day. Another long dragging day... She never used to not like getting up in the mornings. She used to be able to get herself up, and block the world from her precise mind until she could lay down at night, or sit in a chair in her living room with a cup of coffee or tea. Stare blankly ahead, and clear the cobwebs from behind her eyes...

How long had this feeling persisted? Why did she even feel this way...? And what was there, beyond this lifestyle? A question she could not answer herself. She was lonely.

She rolled over on her side, casting her eyes away from the ceiling and towards the alarm clock. She lifted a hand and shut it off. Scully closed her eyes, in a feeble attempt for sleep, but it would not come, and was left to her thoughts again, no matter how unpleasant she felt they were...

She was a single woman. Supposed to be independent and a model for feminism... She was a FBI agent, a scientist, a doctor. All those things asked her to be and stay rational, and face all facts and all truths with the coldest shoulder, the most unbending ideals. But how could one live under such high standards...? How could she ever...

Love. She had never believed in it, truly. Yes, as a young medical student, swept away by her instructor... She had wound up hurting many others in that affair... And since then, there had been moments. A few dates here and there. No constants really... No one she truly cared about... No one that was always there. That had cared for her as much as she cared for the other.

What did she believe in? Not anything except rationale. Her mind faded back to an English class... Sophomore year?

"Rationalize." the younger Scully read from a vocabulary book. "To make an excuse for. To find another reason for an event."

The memory snapped back quickly.

Scully rolled on her other side.

Had all she had done her entire life, perhaps to this very point in time, was to make excuses? Made excuses for what she had seen, what she had not cared to believe? For her father's death, and for her sister? She had loved them so much. Was it possible that her sensitivity... Her semblance of thick skin was all a big ruse? No... No... No she couldn't have made it all up. Cast all her fears into another shadow? No, never.

And what about...?

Mulder? He was a soul looking for answers Scully had never wanted to see. From the beginning, he was something else entirely. And yet, after all they had been through, they were constant. Partners.  
She suddenly caught a glimpse form the past again. It was with a woman, a psychiatrist's office. Past life? She had spoken of Mulder... Mulder's old lives converging into the present. That woman and him, they were supposed to be together. Scully, the ever present loved one, but always the friend...

But that woman was delusional, and was dead now.

Was that another excuse?

Was that...?

Her eyes snapped open.

Nah... It wasn't. There was nothing to it. Nothing at all. Funny the thoughts that came to her while she lay in this quiet room. What time was it? Probably late...

Mulder was probably at the office already.

Mulder. Why were her thoughts always returning to that name, that face? He was there, present and actually quite deeply etched in her memory... A taboo in some ways.

And what if she broke the taboo? What taboo? Oh yes... The "business" relationship. She made a face. She could feel a small flush on her cheeks, and buried her face into the pillow.  
Not like she hadn't thought of it before, only to banish it into the deepest corners of her mind. Where the cobwebs and the blocked memories lay. She had always trusted him (for now she would only refer to him as him, for calling him by his name would only invite embarrassment.) implicitly. Maybe not as strong as now... But he had cared about her, in her time of need.

_He never knew._

The thought was strange and foreign. Maybe he really didn't know how much his actions meant to her. They did mean a great deal to her. In fact...

_Why can't I..._

But she banished the thought again. When had she become so... So...

_Denial._

No! It wasn't denial! What was she denying? She had nothing to hide.

_Him..._

She shook her head... No there was nothing more to him. Nothing more.

_Admit it._

She rolled over once more, tangling the blankets around her form, the early sunlight touched the walls of her room. She closed her eyes slowly, fluttered her eyelashes... Took a deep breath...  
All right... Maybe there had been... Moments.

But that was all. Mere moments. Moments, times when she half-wished... Half wished that their friendship was not just... Friendship.

He knew her more completely then anyone, and her compulsion to be drawn to him was a strong one. She always trusted Mul-

_Him_, rather, more than anyone else. He was there for her always. And despite all the times when they had faced unbeatable, impossible odds, he had been there. When they were to be separated, her heart and almost broken in two. She never thought...

_Till death do we part..._

Smile. What? She was smiling about her and him... Marriage? She couldn't understand why she was still laying here... There was work to be done.

Scully had faced him everyday for the past seven years. Seven long years, and yet they had never... Never...

_Kiss, touch? Fall... Into inevitable..._

They weren't inevitable! They couldn't be.

_Rationalize..._

_Make excuses. Deny._

They had fought, fought for the truth and all it stood for. The deepest truth. And yet, she, the crusader... She could not admit to herself her own truth? The own answer she could not own up to, for she was afraid?

_Why?_

Why indeed? Would he reject her? Would it ruin everything... If she came...

_Not as a friend... Not only..._

The pale blush deepened slightly as Scully buried herself under the covers. The times had come, at some moments, deep within a pool of loneliness, when her last spark, the last small flame of hope had flickered and died out... That she had wished she could run to him and have him hold her close.

_But I could... Could do that..._

No... But not only that, but have his love? Not as a sister... Or friend.

_Love._

Maybe she should tell him? But somehow the pictures wouldn't come... And the subconscious memory she held of daydreams in a boring meeting... Thinking maybe... And then shocking herself into reality. They came back.

_Always withholding..._

Tell him? Maybe tell him and find his arms waiting... Could he feel the same?

_Maybe I should... Should try? Maybe he could love me... Love me and want me with him? Not just as a friend..._

But then what? Would it be there...? What did she want? Too early... She should get up...

_Tell him..._

She would tell him. Yes. Maybe just hint it... Maybe just subtly... This was crazy. In the deepest sense of rationalization...

_Make excuses._

No... No more excuses.

Tell him, and see.

She closed her eyes, not wanting to think about that for a moment... Her heart was pumping fast. He   
could...

- ring

- ring

Scully was shaken back into reality. She realized it was her cell phone. Why were her palms sweaty?  
She reached over, slowly, took the phone... Her mind was racing.  
Turn it on...

_Tell him..._

Ear to receiver.

_Tell..._

Speak.

_Tell him._

Speak, now.

_Tell him!_

"Scully." she said, somewhat hoarsely.

"Scully? Hey, are you okay? You sound a little hoarse."

Mulder... She opened her mouth to speak, closed it, opened it once more...

"Yeah... Ye-Yeah I'm all right, I just woke up."

"Oh ok..."

"Is there something wrong, Mulder?"

"No, nothing, I was just calling to say the office is being fumigated today, and I called Skinner... He   
said we could have a day off."

"Oh. Oh all right." she muttered. She cradled her forehead in her palm.

Silence.

"You sure you're all right, Scully?"

A few moments... Or were they merely seconds... Maybe hours?

_Te..._

She couldn't...

_TELL HIM!_

"Yeah... I'm fine... But Mulder..."

"Yeah?"

She shifted, and swallowed, and brushed a strand from her eyes.

"Scully, you there?"

"Yeah..."

"So?"

"Never mind."

_nothing._

"I'll see you tomorrow."

- click

The agent got up from bed, and walked to her bathroom, to start the day.

The thoughts had died. 


End file.
